It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
smartest karate player in the world
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house