So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Happy Caturday!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
This is I, Robot all over again
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.