So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Note to self: I am a note
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.