SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.