Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.