@JohnLyonTweets: So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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@AmishPornStar1: I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters
@heatherlou_: "IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!" I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
@bigmacher: Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.