So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink