It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Cats (2019)
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss