When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.