So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
@ candidates for local office
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress