So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell