just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)