So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
hi why am I like this
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.