So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
eggs benadryl
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No