so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Ah yes. The three genders
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*