So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.