I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
We’ve all been there
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.