I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
moms in horror movies
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
how much for the angry fruit?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.