Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.