“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.