“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“What?”
– Jude
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.