So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of