@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure

@JulieSnark: I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

@lifecoachfit: Him: I hope you die a slow painful death Me: oh, no I'm not married

@FSUSteve: I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

@StephenBCramer: The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.