So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
You Might Also Like
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum