my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
New comic up. “Ransom”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
plums roundup
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.