@stephenjmolloy: Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it. Me: You are stupid. Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

@noog: I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

@hotdogsladies: Whenever our neighbor's dog is barking, I know there's either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.

@DivorceDiva: I'm a take me or leave me kind of girl. Wait, where ya going?

@parsfarce: me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* "pho" korean waiter: we do not serve this dish