“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Breaking news:
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*