So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Actually cracking up @ this
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.