So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg