“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.