So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.