The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane