“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
the battle rages on
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.