@mc_funbags: So you've had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I'm crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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@hellohappy_time: [at deli] me: I'll take a platonic male friend that doesn't treat me like their manic pixie therapist lady: we have cole slaw me: ok
@RowdyBowden: Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
@XplodingUnicorn: Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!