So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”