Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
According to math, I’m broke
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.