sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head