Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America