Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Mission: Impossible
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
How can I say no to this ?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
When does CPR become necrophilia?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I love snow
– People who never shovel
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.