@girl_a_whirl: Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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@djdarrellripley: Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal. Her: Why don't you get married? Me: I've never been that hungry.
@Mr_Kapowski: I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
@stevevsninjas: Judge: Guilty Me: Sayyoudidwhat. Judge: What did you say? Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence? *Stage dives into cheering jury*