@girl_a_whirl: Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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@Tmoney68: I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am. So, if you're looking for someone to blame, there you go.
@merican_ninjy: Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
@AtticusFinch79: ME: are those new shoes? HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you... ME: *tearing up* yes?!? HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how