Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching