I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Wait for it
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….