Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣