Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
You Might Also Like
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need