Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
You Might Also Like
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.