society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.