SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
So inspired right now.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Are we there yet?…
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.