SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see