i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
☠️☠️☠️
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.