[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.