Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.