Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal