@4handfuls: Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house...
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@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@NikiWithIssues: Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.
@KyleMcDowell86: Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
@Holy_Mowgli: [1907. the first convenience store opens] GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn