There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians