Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
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Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Good morning, Twitter x
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The cashier just checked me out.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.