Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.