@BestScienceJoke: Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
@Travon: Sunday is Easter, Hitler's birthday, the Columbine anniversary, and weed Christmas. Your move, greeting card section.
@daemonic3: [arrested in 1985] COP: you get 1 call ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news [arrested in 2018] COP: you get 1 call ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there's a 7 in it
@shawnspree: Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.