@BestScienceJoke: Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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@T_N_Crumpets: [Supermarket] Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION Assistant: Aisle 7 Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let's go guys
@djdarrellripley: Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day...
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"