Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
What
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more